The title of this post has more than one meaning...
First, I'm trying to hold on to hope instead of holding onto negative things. Trust me, there were plenty of negative things to grab onto and hold close, turning them into bitterness, etc. right after the miscarriage...
...when we got home from the Dr. that fateful day, there were newborn diapers in our mailbox that had just been delivered.
...I had just been shopping Saturday afternoon for maternity clothes with Josh and Ezra (realized something was wrong that night). They are waiting for later in the back of my closet.
...we had just told our neighbors Saturday night that we were expecting--the first non-family members/very close friends to tell (I went to the bathroom when we came in and realized I was bleeding).
...as I was cleaning, I found Ezra's new "I'm a big brother" book and put it up in the spare room for the time being.
...when Ezra got sick with pneumonia (took him to the Dr. the day after I had been in the Dr.'s office), I went into the x-ray room with him. They asked the usual, "Is there any chance you could be pregnant," question and I did my best not to flinch when I said no.
The good thing is, I was prepared for most of this ahead of time. I knew the diapers would most likely be there when we got home that afternoon, so I opened them and thought of how cute they would look on a new baby 'someday,' and put them in the back of Ezra's closet with his old newborn diaper covers. I had already moved the maternity clothes into my closet (still in the bags) before we went to the Dr. just to get them put up until I needed them. I knew that question would be coming when I took Ez to the hospital that morning, so I don't think they could tell anything was wrong when they asked. I admit, I had forgotten about Ezra's new book when I found it, and was a little sad to put it in the spare room for now.
The hardest part was un-telling people. I'm glad not everyone knew, but once I made this blog public, I kind of felt like I needed to tell people, so they wouldn't think I was keeping them out of the loop on purpose. Also, I was just starting my before school professional development and was afraid my co-workers would think I was being lazy when I was really emotionally and physically exhausted from my situation and feeling pretty sick, honestly.
I was going to post this entry in quick succession to my last one, but I needed a break from this for a while. We were soaring on cloud 'grace' for so long, and then when that 'survival hope' started to calm down, it was really hard. I feel like I'm doing much better now, but I'm scared/worried about the future (even though I know things aren't in my hands and I shouldn't be). I worry that this could happen again, and I am really upset that the timing was SO thrown off.
Again, I know this is ridiculous, since God's timing is the only that matters, but I really desire to be able to be home with a new baby for as long as possible. I left Ez to teach when he was 9 months old and that was hard enough! If we got pregnant now, I'd be due mid-June, meaning my 6 week maternity leave period would be up just as school was starting. I suppose I could still try to use some short-term disability, but skipping the first part of the year would be near destruction for a teacher. You get all your routines and rules established at first, and it wouldn't be fair for children to develop a bond with the person there at the beginning of the year and then take them away when I show up. It would just be bad all around.
Truthfully, I wish I could just stay home and raise my babies. Unfortunately, we live in a world where the economy is so fragile, I need to hold onto my job with all ten fingers (and possibly my toes). I feel so torn about that, and I don't want to admit it, because I don't want Josh to feel like he doesn't do enough (he works SO hard). Curse this economical environment where both parents need to work to survive! I would have been very well pleased to stay at home and be a full-time mom. Please don't judge me on working, because I do love my job, but I wish I could have time with my baby now. That's another one of those 'timing' things. Our 'plan' was for me to teach for a few years to get established, then I could stay home with the babies and go back to work when they were older...so, I know that God must have had this plan in mind for me when I couldn't get a teaching job and then had Ezra earlier than we 'planned.' It's funny how perspective can change on God's timing depending on what happens. Ezra was ahead of time (even though he did go 9 days past his due date, ha), and he is one of the biggest blessings we have ever been given. This miscarriage has thrown everything off on top of being emotionally painful and physically taxing, so I automatically want to think negatively of it. God knows what He's doing, so I really should just hush and listen to Him, huh?
So, the second part of "Holding On" is me letting go of the 'control' I wish I had and knowing God is always right.
Well, I think I'm through venting now. Keep us in your prayers. Ezra goes back to see if the pneumonia is cleared up Monday. He was coughing pretty badly this past week, which has me a bit concerned. I could use prayers at school too. I have some students who really need love and prayers and I need prayer to know how best to serve them (on top of being in a new grade and new environment).
Thanks for reading this. If you got to the end, congratulations. I'm sure it wasn't exactly a 'fun read.' ;)