Sunday, July 31, 2011

Not Quite Over This Yet

I know. You see the title and think, "Of course not, Deidre, this just happened." But I was flying on a cloud of peacefulness and that sort of high that you get when you are going through something tragic. The thing that helps you get through the worst parts and makes others think you are really strong.

I realize this 'thing' is the Holy Spirit, and I feel very blessed to have it. It's not that it is gone now, but I guess the reality of the situation is settling in and I'm coming down from that 'spiritual high' I was given to help me survive the worst of it.

I still feel blessed beyond belief (I can't possibly look around at my life and feel anything but blessed), thankful that things were able to fall into place in the timeline that they did (I am RH negative and we were able to get into the doctor in time for me to get the shot that could save future children), and I know we still have a hope and a future (My theme verse, Jeremiah 29:11, reassures me of this even more than the encouraging words of the doctor).

Jeremiah 29:11 Print - Cherry Blossom

I've just had a rough day and a half (starting halfway through yesterday). Things that shouldn't make you sad, like seeing someone else enjoying time with their child. It seems ridiculous because it's not a 'jealous' feeling. You'd never wish the 'M word' on another person, and you don't want their child...You just miss yours. I know it doesn't make a ton of sense unless you've been there. I've had to re-explain it to my husband several times because he keeps thinking the word "upset" means mad or jealous and it's not.

This week, I just kept bobbing along on that happy, "I know everything's going to be alright," attitude and although I still know it's all okay and everything will be alright, I don't know. I guess I'm just having these little moments to help me mourn what was lost.

I went from being super busy around the house and at school to some finally quiet and still moments and that sadness started creeping up from around the corner, trying to take hold. The good news is, I know it won't stay and it won't conquer me because I have God on my side and He's been through far worse suffering and come out victorious--and he promises in Jeremiah 29:12 to be there for me when I call on him.


I'm not quite sure what the total point of this post is, other than to just share where I am right now, but I hope it helps someone. It's already helped me. :)

Friday, July 29, 2011

The M Word(s)

The 'M word'--it is ugly, scary, embarrassing, painful, and has just a hint of shame attached, no matter how many times you hear or tell yourself the facts:

"It happens to 1 in 3 women."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"This isn't uncommon."

"There is nothing you could have done differently."

No matter how you look at it, "miscarriage" is an ugly word. Overall, it means the loss of a dream; the loss of a life. Dr. Seuss put it best: "A person's a person, no matter how small."

But wait...there's another "M word."
This one doesn't make any more sense--no matter how many times you look at definitions or tell yourself what it means. In fact, I think trying to figure this word out just confuses more than explains.

There are 2 common definitions.
1: Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm.
2: An event to be grateful for, esp. because it's occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from great suffering.

I think I've seen both of these definitions of mercy play out through that less desirable 'M word'...

"1: Compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm"
Let's face it, I am not in control here. My husband isn't either. Thankfully, we are lucky enough to know Who is. Now, I don't want to misconstrue and imply that God is punishing us, that's not what this definition means in this situation.
This definition says that "compassion...shown toward someone," and thank the Lord we have this. He has been our Comforter and Guide as we stepped through this previously unknown territory. I don't want anyone to think that we have felt or in any way been punished or harmed by God. I am grateful to know that He has grown me into the faith I have today (which is still weak and not at all what it should be) so that I can know that I am not being punished and that there is still much hope for our future.

"2: An event to be grateful for, esp. because it's occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from great suffering."
Ok, first of all, by "event to be grateful for," that means the mercy itself. Just clarifying. His mercy has provided us "relief from great suffering" in the sense that, although we did have a mournful period, we did not stay there. We have been held fast in a love that surpasses all understanding--to the point that I think we might have come across in a shocking way to others.

Please listen. This has not been easy. It's not something that was "no big deal" to me. This was my absolute greatest fear in my life, realized. It wasn't easy deciding to talk about it. It doesn't make me uncomfortable, but I have seen that it makes others upset. I know they are upset for me, and I appreciate their sympathy, but feel a sort of guilt for making them feel sad, because I'm not upset anymore. I feel almost bad for not being more upset. For clarification, I have sobbed, I have mourned, I have felt a deep sense of loss. I have seen things I hoped I never would--like an empty ultrasound that was supposed to show new life.

BUT--

...isn't that a great word?

I know...
I have a hope. I have a future. This is not the end.
Even if it was the end of my childbearing days (and yes, I have considered that, although I have not resigned myself to it and I will not until there is reason to do so), I know that God has a plan for me--a plan much bigger than I can ever imagine. He has proven it over and over and over again.

I know...
that my child is safe in Jesus' arms. That child will never hurt. I will see them again someday.
I am more thankful than ever for the child I have (and I'm not sure I knew that was possible before now).

My husband and I have struggled most with un-telling other people about our pregnancy. It hurts to see them hurt, and we are afraid we will come across cold or nonchalant about the whole thing if we don't burst into tears as we tell them. Thankfully, most of them know the Reason for our peace. That is what we are most grateful for--peace. As we left the doctor's office after having the news confirmed, there were tears, but also a great, deep, vast, calming peace. The kind of peace that only comes from Christ. And I am so glad we have it.

I hope the title of this blog does not deter people from reading it. To me, it means that I have come through one of my worst fears with hope for the future. There is more to come. I hope you'll read it, and I hope it will help strengthen you too in some small way.